Go Ahead. Make my Day
1. Choose a pack of small cupcakes, that way you can eat more without feeling guilty.
2. Pick one, preferably with the most icing on it.
3. Peel off the paper (unless you like paper).
4. Bite off the cake part.
5. Then, eat the icing all by itself.
6. Lick your fingers.
7. Repeat
If I were dispensing advice, I would say, take care of your blender… my comments follow the video…
You know, maybe my son is right. Maybe, I am the one who keeps him here, although I surely didn’t do it on purpose.
In a way, he is amusing. Or I should say, interesting and thought provoking, because no way do I understand him.
Here is a guy who doesn’t have the money to get his car out of the repair shop. And everybody knows how a guy feels about his car…
And what does he do? He buys a blender.
Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
It’s got five speeds! He enthuses. What power!
Then, do you know what he does? He loses it.
How do you lose your brand new blender?
So, then what does he do? He uses my food processor, of course.
And overheats the darn thing, flipping it out, and it refuses to work…
Where is your blender? I ask him.
Oh, I left it someplace, he said, nonchalantly.
(Oh where would you take two pieces of a three-piece blender? Maybe you know. I certainly don’t)
Fearing for my food processor, I say, Do you want me to take you to get it?
Nah, he says. Did you say you had a juicer somewhere?
This morning, I see, the blender is sitting next to my coffee pot on the counter.
I am glad.
I take care of my things, even my stupid food processor. Is that a female thing? Taking care of what you care about? And why the heck do I care about my stupid food processor, anyway? You can only “pulse” it. Turning it all the way on get’s it excited and makes it poop out. And it completely lacks the power of my son’s blender…
I see now, that, not only do I not understand my son, but I am a total mystery, too. Maybe I Do keep him around on purpose.
ps. the video, by the way, was passed on by my friend, Dennis Vogt, right after I wrote this. So, I put them together — it’s a blender thing.
This came in an email from Martha…
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery!
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOODNESS!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger then yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
…Hannah, because her mother objects to me using words like “bitch” in front of the kids, and they don’t know about this site.
But, I do think that, for fun, I should post Hannah’s and my video…
The back story — I saw the IPhone video with tons of “bad words.”
Here’s the link to the bad word version
I cleaned up the story and told it to Hannah who thought it was the most hilarious story ever and asked me to repeat it over and over. So, I said, let’s video it and you can watch it whenever you want.
It served some purpose and, for a while, I did not have to retell the story, but it wasn’t long before Hannah started needling me to see the real version. No, I told her, too many cuss words and your mom will get mad at me. Guess what she said… I don’t care. I just want to see it!
Sights around Jamison Square
dream 1.
I don’t recall the actual play, but it was a good one, sweet, and with a complicated plot.
The main actor, though, a child, had to have an overall grasp of the “big picture,” and that was next to impossible. A very few had that capability.
He was convincing, and seemed to do a good job. Although he was the best in his field, even his ability was limited. He knew only a little more than the rest and he went home at night confused and talking to himself.
Dream 2
And last night? Or I should say the morning of Jun 27? I had a classic science fiction dream.
I was going on a vacation to some alien planet. I arrived and took an underground shuttle. Rather than flying up, we went down into the earth to get to our destination. We looked out of the windows during the tour and saw a poor country with poor people.
Then, when we reached our destination, a large room, I noticed that we were being separated out from our original groups and I went down a shoot by way of some rope into another receiving room. I didn’t know anybody.
“Where’s my child?” a fellow traveler asked.
“We took him away, with your permission,” said I don’t know who.
The child had been acting up, it seemed, and the parent had allowed “one of our hosts” to subdue it, I think. The parent was led to the child who was being held in some kind of clear plastic cylinder in a transparent wall — it’s head being held too tightly by a rigid plastic collar. Loosen the collar up a bit, and the child would be forced to hold its head in mid air – easier to take it on the chin, metaphorically speaking.
The child was removed and given back to the parent — I was watching this as I was shepherded into another holding room.
Here there were deviant children. Some were holding mock funerals. Others were playing hardball. Clearly these children were the misfits, the ones who stand against their culture and never have a true place in it — the tough ones who become the thugs and the sad, twisted ones.
A man walked up to me. “This is the kind of society where they will place us in some kind of servitude depending on our skills,” he said, as we were being herded into yet another room.
A woman with a uniform was talking to a young man. “You are a mechanic? OK, You go this way,” she said to him. And then she turned to me. “You. What will I do with you? Termination I think.”
“But I’m only 50,” I lied.
“We terminate at 48,” she said.
“The option is a slave / servant, and I don’t want that for you,” she said.
“Shall I choose a termination for you?”
“OK,” I said, but at the same time, my sleeping self heard a little voice, hardly audible since my brain was almost completely closed down, “this is not you. You are a fighter.”
But, no fight was left, only a tired acceptance.
It was then that I decided to wake up. I didn’t want to review possible terminations with the woman in the uniform, nor did I want to go through the actual termination experience.
Awake though, I was struck by how similar our culture, and way of life, is to this dream.
A lifetime of fighting for survival, or servitude to that end. Fighting for ourselves and hoping we have something left over, some legacy to give our children, so that their fight for survival will be a little easier.
And when you are used up? The choice of servitude to others still working, or termination. Otherwise, we old people use up diminishing resources that could be put to better use by those still producing.
You live. You sicken. You die.
Translation: You work like hell, you are tortured, and then you are terminated.
And what is the point of any of it? What is quality of life?
From what I see, it’s a little loving kindness here and there and a bit of humor. And maybe a night on the town.
For me, work brings me satisfaction, but what after the day is done?
Well sort of. Chek out this link for making sounds.
I think I could work in one like this! It even has a breakfast bar, which might fit in my kitchen. Just need time to repaint and rearrange! Here’s the link. Colorful, and maybe affordable. Small.
Bitch Rag 