Month: January 2012

Dreaming

twitter this

I loved “Outsource This!” from the Jan, 23 edition of the New Yorker.

I’ve cut and pasted it below (and here’s the link to the story)

More often than I’d like, our conversations seem to be about social media and how it works!

For example (setting, last Friday night at wine bar. Music playing loudly and hard to hear each other)

Martha: ??? Do you understand this? If you like me on my facebook page, you can get an excerpt of my new book, but I’ve been clicking it and nothing happens.

Me: I don’t see any link.

Clare emails: Martha, tell Christine to … (you get my drift)

new conversation (dinner after art opening 11:30 p.m. Thursday night):

Carol (artist friend who works all night, and goes to sleep at 4 or 5 a.m.): “Does anyone want my IPhone class at 7:30 tomorrow morning?

There are no takers. Me. Carol, that’s your bedtime.

Carol: I know. What was I thinking?

Another conversation. back at the wine bar.

Me: I don’t get twitter. I don’t really have the time to read all that stuff people twitter about.

Clare: Well, I’d never follow you. I don’t care what you have to say. I live next door to you…

And it goes on and on…

OUTSOURCE THIS! By Gary Shteyngart

@Shteyngart Like most busy mega-celebrities, I’ve decided to outsource my tweets.

#Outsourced2India Namaste, everyone! This is the Real Gary Shteyngart from NYC, USA!

#Outsourced2India Savoured some excellent aloo parathas at the test match against Pakistan.

#Outsourced2India I meant to say, enjoyed a bang-up FilletO’Cheese at the NJ Giants Sporting Centre. Go, squadron!

#Outsourced2India Looking out my window I can see the No. 6 train, pulling out of Union Square Terminus.

#Outsourced2India So many people clinging to the No. 6 train today! They must be heading to their villages for Diwali holiday.

#Outsourced2India Just found out they’re out-outsourcing the Real Gary to Italy because the rupee is strong & euro about to collapse.

#Outsourced2Italy Ciao, tutti! I am the Gari Autentico. I make the tweet about my real life in a new york.

#Outsourced2Italy O Madonna! My mistress and my mother shes fight about where to make the ski, Cervinia or Monte Bianco.

#Outsourced2Italy Brought laundry to my mama, she also wash the shoe, and we plan my 63rd birthday party with the cake and the stripper.

#Outsource2Italy Oggi I go to the bank but they say I have none the money. I vote Berlusconi 10 years, how this happen?

#Outsourced2Italy Porca miseria! My mistress is the Calabrese she make a violence on my face and now my wife she see.

#Outsourced2Italy I buy the lighter from the Nigerian at the mercato and give to my Filipina and now she is on fire. Che disastro!

#Outsourced2Italy Autentico Gari commence the 6-week ski in Monte Bianco. I out-out-outsource to Belarus. Ciao, ragazze.

#Outsourced2Minsk Hello. It is Real Gary. I am depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Still depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Drunk and depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Just drunk.

#Outsourced2Minsk Best friend Oleg throw me out of his Lada. He beat me. I beat him. Depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Drunk with Oleg. Now he is Best Friend FOREVER. I am so happy. Depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Ice fishing with BFF Oleg. He throw me in hole. I beat him. Depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Wife leaving for Moscow to be “hand model.” Very depressed.

#Outsourced2Minsk Got 10 years in labor camp for wearing wrong shirt to parade. Whatever. Outsourcing continues to Korea.

#Outsourced2Seoul Annyeong haseyo! This is the Real Gary Shteyngart, ranked 1,546th important American writer.

#Outsourced2Seoul Today Pastor Choi say Jesus have 2.2 billion followers, I have only 5,165. I feel a big shame in front of pastor.

#Outsourced2Seoul I must get Science of Tweeting Ph.D. at Dongguk University. This give me “leg up.”

#Outsourced2Seoul Stayed up 72 hours studying @AlecBaldwin tweets. He is top successful American, probably went to Harvard.

#Outsourced2Seoul Going out to Lotte World with pretty Ewha graduate Hong, Eun-hee!

#Outsourced2Seoul Find out Hong, Eun-hee parents want only Korea Tech graduate for Eun-hee and also Methodist. I feel a big shame.

#Outsourced2Seoul Appa compare me with my cool younger brother Dong Min (Dougie) who already tweet for Jennifer Weiner. I feel a big shame.

#Outsourced2Seoul Umma say I must make tweet funnier. Today my leg crushed by truck because I was thinking abt work! HA HA Now in hospital.

#Outsourced2Seoul Tweet boss say I am not A-team. I am maybe B-team or C-team. I feel a big shame in front of him. Also family.

#Outsourced2Seoul Standing on Mapo Bridge over Han River. I have no wife, no car, no top college degree, no leg. Wish I could outsource myse

#Outsourced2Seoul Last tweet was over 140 characters. Please accept my sincere apologies for this horrible mistake. Goodbye, cruel wo ♦

Statements

Report on Voice Changer

not great. Parents hated it. Kids weren’t impressed. One voice option only, sort of a cross between a robot and a munchkin…

the night goggles. Terrible. (Here’s my original post...)

They were from National Geographics, too. I don’t know what I was expecting. Something high tech? These were very uncomfortable, with a teeny little flashlight on the bridge over the nose. I think I was expecting to see things kind of green. No. Could barely see anything. Did like the earphone thingy, though. Enhanced the night sounds. Probably liked it because I had no expectations…
The little rings from National Geographics were kind of cool. A whole package for under $25.

All three generations of us had fun with two games, though, Telestrations and Would You Rather. Telestrations is kind of like Telephone, but with Illustrations. And Would You Rather posed dilemmas, and you got to pick which one you’d like to struggle with.