Give the Bitch a Gift!

Anxiety attacks that wake me up in the night. I was wondering why, and see from my journals that it must have to do with the time of year.

This past week I’ve awakened gasping for breath. don’t remember the dreams, but did remember one. It was the old repeat: going to a class where I was going to take a test, and being totally unprepared.

Last year, same time frame.

i got on the bike and took off to get home on my bike, out of the park down the steps and onto a very dark bike path. realizing it was a long way home. and dark, and then i got a flat tire. i stopped by a house, and the good news is that i recognized the boy who lived there, realized i did not have my phone or the keys, and that if i called dad or nic from the boy’s house phone, i didn’t remember their numbers. of course i could ask for a ride home, i realized when i woke up, but i didn’t have the keys.

Realizing that the anxiety must be about the deadlines for the extra work i get during the holidays… certainly a good thing to have the work, but it comes with the pressure.

For interesting, outside of me news, I read about terry gross (NYT) and what she does to prepare for an interview. It’s worth remembering, I think…

“She clarifies her thoughts first thing in the morning in the shower. That’s when she asks herself: What do I care about? What in all of this research is meaningful? It’s important to be away from her notes when she does this. She emerges from the shower with her ‘‘major destination points.’’ Then she goes to her office and refers back to her notes — sheafs of facts; dog-eared, marked-up books — for the details. Then she does the interview.”

and this is such a cool statement about how it feels to be interviewed by her:

‘‘Having the conversation’’ — that’s what’s compelling about the wish. It’s a wish not for recognition but for an experience. It’s a wish for Gross to locate your genius, even if that genius has not yet been expressed. It’s a wish to be seen as in a wish to be understood.”

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